


Funboard Fairytale AU

by sophiexgrace



Category: fun board
Genre: Fun Board AU, Multi, PDB, fairytale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:54:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29157711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophiexgrace/pseuds/sophiexgrace
Relationships: TBD - Relationship
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

Once upon a time in a land far from our own there lived a king. His name was Juan. He was loved and respected in his small kingdom. You would think that he’d wish for nothing. More than anything, though, he wanted a child. Yet he was a solitary and independent, having no dreams or wishes of marriage and his kingdom, being charming yet very small had no children to be adopted. Why? Well that’s a story for another time (lmao this is a plot hole).

To continue, one day he decided to make a journey with his three most loyal knights: Lady Wellwalker, a powerful and commanding ally known for her skills in both combat and leadership. Sir Dededo, a young yet mysteriously white haired soldier who, while quiet, was truly a force to be reckoned with for his aim in archery was never off. And finally Lady Lain, known for her intelligence, resourcefulness, and extreme stealth where ever she went. In their journey they would trek into the deepest, darkest part of the woods. The part that no one dared to enter for a cold, unforgiving witch known as Max lived there. The very person Juan needed to visit for, to the King’s knowledge, they were the only person in all the lands that was powerful enough to create life. A child. An heir. His only hope at getting the one thing he wished for. 

“This is it.” Lady Wellwalker said as the four of them approached a small, ivy covered cottage.

No one said anything more after that, too busy holding their breathes in fear of what awaited them within the house.

Before they could knock the door flew open without warning.

“I‘ve been expecting you, King Juan.” A shriveled old women sneered from inside, “You wish for a child.”

Juan bowed his head, signaling for his knights to wait outside as he entered the cottage. “Yes I do.”

“Well, here you go.” A baby girl appeared just like that in the witch, Max’s arms.

King Juan held out his arms to accept his soon to be child but Max stopped him with a smile, “You must know by now that magic isn’t free. I ask for only one, simple thing: you must let me name the child and allow me one favour that I may use whenever I wish to.”

“A fair trade. I accept your deal.” Said the King.

And so the King along with the three knights brought back the child to the palace. They claimed that they’d found her abandoned in the woods with no sign of family in fear of what would happen if the truth came out. The four of them swore that they would keep the secret with their lives. A swear locked in by the town’s sorcerer and philosopher, Twelver, who didn’t know what it was exactly that he was helping with.

The girl was named Salad. She grew to be kind and generous, treating animals and humans alike with as much respect and love as she could. While her story only truly starts 16 years later, at King Juan and Queen Cauliflower’s wedding, there’s more than one tale to tell. Our next scene takes place in another land, in a safe and sheltered old town. That is except for the wolf.


	2. Chapter 2

In a town not far from King Juan’s kingdom there lived a mother and her small daughter, Riz. Riz led a fairly normal life without any fear for her safety. The town was quiet and rural. Riz and her mother, while not too wealthy, were able to live peacefully without worry of money. After Little Riz’s 10th birthday though illness struck her town and her bedridden mother became unable to bring food to Riz’s grandmother who lived deep in the woods. The duty fell onto a reluctant Little Riz.

So the girl walked to the town baker, Walter’s shop dressed in a red hood. A gift from her grandmother. Five houses west, turn a corner at the abandoned brown shed.

"Two loafs of bread and a dozen cookies please!" Riz told the baker matter-of-factly as she walked into the shop.

Walter eyed her quizzically, "I’ll give you three loafs of bread and 9 cookies. You don’t need anymore sugar."

"It’s for my grandmother, Pathetic." Riz added, handing Walter some gold coins to pay and a basket to put the bread and cookies in.

Walter let out a dramatic fake sigh but put in 12 cookies, as well as an extra loaf of bread.

"Don’t you eat a thing until you get to your granny’s house. The animals will smell it." Walter warned.

Yet no one had ever accused Little Riz of paying too much attention to rules and warnings so as the girl cloaked in red walked through the woods she ate one of the cookies. Sure enough, the animals smelled it. One of which was an old, broad shouldered wolf who went by the name of Cvaki.

“Hello. What might your name be.” He casually walked towards Riz.

Riz glared, “I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.”

“Oh but I’m a wolf,” Cvaki tilted his head, “that can’t apply to me.”

Riz furrowed her brows, “Well I guess that’s true, mother never said anything about wolves..”

“So what are you doing in this part of the woods?” 

“I’m visiting my granny, Pathetic. She’s ill but I’m bringing food to help her get better,” Little Riz grinned in pride at her helpfulness.

“Oh, why how nice of you that is. Where is your grandmother’s house?”

“Over the river, just past the field of flowers! Well, I’ll be on my way. Good day mister wolf!”

But the wolf wasn’t done quite yet. He had been sent on a mission, to collect the heart of a young girl, and he wasn’t going to fail. So Cvaki followed Riz as she strolled through the woods, eventually passing her and entering the small house the where girl’s grandmother lived.

As little Riz entered the house she stared at her granny who was in her bed looking rather strange. She really was ill.

“Hello my child.” Her granny croaked in a voice that sounded more like the wolf she had met in the wood’s voice than her grandmother’s.

“Oh granny, what big eyes you have.” Riz said in concern.

“All the better to see you with my dear.”

“And granny, what big ears you have!” 

“All the better to hear you with.” Her grandmother gave Little Riz a wide grin, revealing perfectly pointed white teeth.

“What big teeth you have!” Riz could only squeak out, finally realizing the mistake she had made. The wolf leaped out of her grandmother’s bed but before it could reach Little Riz an arrow flew through the air and pierced the animal in its chest. The girl turned to see a tall, white haired man dressed in silver armour. 

“Just as I thought. One of Caulfield’s creations..” The man muttered as he crouched over the wolf’s body which was no longer a body at all now but rather a pile of glittering ash.

“Ca.. Caulfield?” Little Riz asked tearily.

“Don’t worry about it, kid. I’m sorry about your grandmother, I was too late to save her but the best thing you can do for her is move on. Live a good life.”

“Please.. At least tell me your name.”

“Sir Dededo and I’m not kidding. Forget that this ever happened. Move on with your life, Caulfield won’t bother you any longer.” And with that he was gone, riding away on a brown horse.

Riz was never one to pay much attention to advice or rules though. She never forgot, instead vowing to seek revenge against this ‘Caulfield’ no matter what it took.


	3. Cha Cha and the Beanstalk

Only a little bit outside of the town where Little Riz lived there was another girl of around the same age going through troubles of her own. Her name was Cha Cha and she too lived with her mother, Peyz. Only last year her other parent, Doctor P. Mortal, mysteriously vanished. However unlike Riz her family was poor for their cow produced no milk and their crops refused to grow.

“Cha Cha, go to town and sell the cow.” Peyz told her daughter one day. 

Cha Cha nodded, they needed the money but she’d miss the cow, it was one of her only friends.

“Goodbye Tira.” She said shakily.

The cow let out whatever sound a cow makes that, to Cha Cha, sounded almost like “freally.”

“Go on.” Peyz said curtly and with that Cha Cha walked towards the town with the cow, Tira.

“I’ll find a good home for you, don’t worry.” Cha Cha told Tira with a small smile as they neared town but before she could get too close what looked to be a cat approached her. Upon further inspection she realized that it wasn’t a cat at all but a cat-snail, a being that she’d only read about in stories.

“I’m Twelver. That’s a pretty cool cow, want some beans for it?” The cat-snail said.

“I’m sorry Mr. uh.. Twelver but I don’t think mother would be too happy with me bringing home beans and nothing else..” 

“They’re magic.” Twelver did a little backflip as he spoke, emphasizing his point because by all means he shouldn’t have been able to do that.

“Would you give Tira a good home?” Cha Cha asked as she looked back at the cow who was standing pleasantly and not quite looking at anything in particular.

“Yes, she’d be treated like cow-royalty.”

“Then I’ll accept your offer.” 

“Marvelous! Here’s your beans!” Twelver disappeared into thin air with Tira, leaving only the magic beans behind.

Cha Cha picked the beans up from the ground, suddenly regretting her decision. 

“It’s for Tira,” She told herself, “and maybe the beans really are magic..”

When Cha Cha got home Peyz was furious.

“You sold my cow for some beans?!”

“The cat-snail, Twelver, said that they were-“

“I don’t care what this ‘Twelver’ said, he sounds like an untrustworthy fellow!”

Her mother sighed, “We’ll have to make due.” She threw the beans out the window, “Your mistake might just cost us everything Cha Cha. That cow was our last hope..”

Little did they know that one of beans would grow in their backyard where Peyz had thrown it. The little bean would become so tall, so strong, that a human could climb it up to the clouds where Osmonds roamed.

Cha Cha noticed the beanstalk one day while watering the rest of their plants. Her curiosity got the better of her and so little Cha Cha climes up the beanstalk. She climbed until a flash of gold caught her eye. It was a hen made of gold, just sitting on a cloud alone.

‘It’s gold. Actual gold.’ she thought, ‘we could sell it and use that money to buy a better house, one where we’d be happier.’

Cha Cha snatched the hen off of the cloud and with some trouble managed to carry it down to land.

"What’s that?” Peyz asked when Cha Cha entered the house with the gold hen.

“It’s a gold hen! I climbed the beanstalk outside and found it up in the clouds!”

“Hm. Interesting. Well anyways, that doesn’t matter. Give it to me. You can sell it next week when you go to the baker’s shop to buy some bread.”

Cha Cha gave the hen to her mother who put it in their chest of valuables for safe keeping. 

The next day Cha Cha climbed the beanstalk again in hopes of finding more hens of gold. Instead of gold though she found a harp. New and shiny, certainly worth more than Cha Cha could imagine. Guarding the harp though there was a man, asleep. This man, however, wasn’t ordinary as his head alone was as long as Cha Cha was tall and he could surely smush her like a bug if she got too close and woke him. 

Cha Cha’s family did need the money though so she crept towards the shimmering harp as quietly as she could which was apparently not quiet enough.

“Ni Te Fi Fum. I smell the blood of a Funbordian!” He shouted when he woke. 

Cha Cha though, being much smaller than the Osmond, was able to slip past him as the Osmond stomped around.

She grabbed the harp and climbed down the beanstalk as quickly as she could before the Osmond could snatch her off it.

When Cha Cha gave her mother the harp she, once again, was thrilled. 

“We’ll be able to save the farm with this money! We’ll sell it with the hen next Saturday!” Peyz said.

But they didn’t have the chance to as it stormed all throughout the week. Furious storms unlike the kingdom had seen before. 

“It’s all my fault..” Cha Cha said to herself through sobs as she sat underneath the umbrella-like leaves of the beanstalk.

“I shouldn’t’ve taken the harp and hen.. I must’ve made the Osmonds angry..”

She cried and cried as thunder rumbled around her. 

“Oh, please don’t cry little girl.” 

A fairy dressed in a shimmering silver gown gracefully flew down from the sky and sat next to her.

“My name is Cacti.” The fairy said.

“And I’m Cha Cha.” The little girl wiped her tears away with a palm.

“I heard your cries, Cha Cha, what is it that you need?”

“I stole from the Osmonds and now they.. They’re mad at me.. The rain won’t stop, I’m scared that the town will be flooded..” Cha Cha began to sob again, the fairy pat her on the back gently.

“Well, have you thought about giving what you took back to them? Apologizing?”

Cha Cha looked up at the fairy, “I hadn’t.. I think I’ll try that!”

With that the fairy vanished into thin air with a ‘poof’ of silver glitter.

So Cha Cha climbed the beanstalk with the harp and hen wrapped in a blanket then tied to her back. The wind nearly pushed her off and the rain made the beanstalk slippery yet she kept climbing.

When she, miraculously, made it to the top the Osmond was waiting for her. Standing on the vary cloud that she’d found the treasures on.

“You have something of mind.” He said and Cha Cha nodded, taking them out of her makeshift bag.

“I’m so sorry Mr. Osmond.” She said, “Please forgive me for stealing from you-"

The Osmond interrupted, “I don’t need apologies. I need my treasures then.. Well never mind. Give them to me.”

“Of course! Uh, here you go!”

Cha Cha placed the hard and hen at the feet of the Osmond.

“Excellent.” Said the Osmond, “I’m sorry but now I must take your heart.”

Cha Cha stumbled back, “Er, excuse me?”

“Your heart, give it to me. Max, my only love, said to get a heart for her... And that’s what I will do! Perhaps then she’ll love me...” The Osmond looked off into the distance wistfully.

“Um.. Sorry but I can’t just give you my heart.. I kind of need it to live..”

“Oh, I see. Well I’ll have to take it then I guess.”

That was Cha Cha’s cue to run, or well earlier was probably her cue to run but she hadn’t quite caught it until now. 

She ran, she scurried down the beanstalk as fast as she could without slipping which wasn’t very fast at all. The Osmond reached at her through the clouds. He sent lightning down in hopes of hitting her. Yet Cha Cha managed to escape. When she got down the fairy was waiting with an ax in hand. 

She swung the ax at the beanstalk and chopped it down, severing their connection to the Osmond. The storm stopped.

“Damn it, I knew that Max was up to something! Are you alright Cha Cha?”

Cha Cha panted, she could only nod in response.

“Here, this should help you.” Cacti threw glitter at the girl who instantly caught her breath.

“Thank you, Cacti! However will I repay you though?”

The fairy smiled, “I only wish that you stay kind of heart.”

Once again, she disappeared with a poof of silver glitter.

After hearing the story Peyz was slightly disappointed, the golden harp and hen had been left with the Osmond after all, but she was relieved that her daughter was safe.

A few years later Cha Cha went to town to get bread from Walter, the baker, who told her of a job opening up at a near by mansion belonging to a lord.

“I know for sure that you’d be hired, Cha Cha! You’d be a servant but Rex is a fair man and would pay and treat you well!” Said the baker.

“Of course!!” Cha Cha said, “I’ll walk up there tomorrow!”


End file.
